What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

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Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

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Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

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We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

But it wasn’t much.

I don,t even have a pension.

How do I develop the patience to read books?

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

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When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

She was in good health!

Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

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And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

But ive been too sick for many years..

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

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And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

What are hygiene habits that everyone should have?

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

I could never make a relationship work though!

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

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Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

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Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

Would this be the day?

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

My life is so biszare .

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

I couldn’t, believe it.

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

(And it was in our own minds.)

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

Ive learnt so much.

He resisted the act ,that day.

I was very sick at this time too.

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

Put me off passion for life!!

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

And who doesn’t know suffering?

I have no regrets .

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

I was 9 years of age.

Why did i forgive my father ?

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

It was going to be , some day.

So whats the point in blame.

All the time i was locked up.

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

Was to survive, this bastard.

So, i spoilt her more .

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

My mum and dad in the seventies!

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

I said to her

I did it because my mum asked me too!

I waited trembling.

She wouldn,t have been !

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

I never cut or harmed myself..

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

Comes on , in middle age.

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

This is soul school!.

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

Where the ultimate outsiders.

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

Im dying but, im not bitter.

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

She married twice! .

The only rule us 5 kids had .

What did i know ?

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

My family never makes their pension either.

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

We all went to grammer schools

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

They are buried together, in the same grave..

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

I think the readers, may guess!

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

As i do to all so called friends.?

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

We were not on the streets..

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

Who then, do I blame.?

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

This is how, and why children get BPD.

I write beautiful poetry .

I had hoped to write a book about this .

He was dying to do it , i knew.

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

He knew the spot.

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

I was seconnd youngest,

I will be 64.

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

On the 31st of Jan this month .

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

And i lived it daily.

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

She found it foreign!.

She loved him until the end.

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

I was scared of men, in general

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

When she asked me how she looked .

I know ,a lot about trauma.

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

Especially a lifetime of it.

I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

Im still living with it.

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

One cannot live in the past .

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

But, we were locked up after school.